In case you are wondering, the last word of the title should be pronounced as so:
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—–> This t-shirt will make more sense later in the blog, but you still won’t want to buy it.
I have a belief that we as spectators can play a part in the outcome of a sporting event. I know it sounds crazy. I know it is crazy.
—-> Your team lost because you went right. Don’t worry, though, they would have lost either way.
Here is a quick quiz to determine whether your sports fanaticism may have turned the corner into insanity:
1. Have you ever avoided making a presumptuous statement, purchase, or solid plan around a playoff game, before the outcome is 100% secure?
2. After a big loss have you ever taken a long walk and asked yourself, “Did I do everything I could have done as a fan to pull out this win?”
3. Has your mind ever drawn a direct connection between you excessively talking trash to another team’s fan and a suspicious drubbing of your team the next day?
4. Do you contemplate the karmic history and nature of the outfit you are wearing on the day of a big game?
5. Do you firmly believe that you attending or not attending–watching or not watching–an important game for your team can swing the outcome?
Are you nodding your head right now? Did one of these questions prompt you to spend two minutes zoned out remembering a particularly personal and painful sporting event? If so, I need your help.
—–> Don’t cry! It’s not your fault your team lost, it’s your fault you root for the Cubs.
The Dodgers are in a funk. It may have started when they didn’t complete a full sweep of the lowly Nationals. Splitting the first two games against the Pirates wasn’t great. But the wheels came off the (band)wagon Sunday with a terrible blown save by Jonathan Broxton (a shoe many of us have been waiting to drop for some time) after the Pirates had gifted them a win with three runs in the top of the ninth inning.
Four straight losses later, the Dodgers still stand one game away from clinching the division. They are now in grave danger of not securing the best record in the NL and missing out on home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Falling to the Wild Card is still a possibility. The offense has disappeared on this roadtrip, the hitters who were hot have cooled. The pitching has been suspect. Everything is going wrong at exactly the worst time.
—-> Casey and Joe attempted to win the game by running out of the dugout, but it turns out they had to score more runs than the Pirates.
Something needs to change before the playoffs start or six months worth of hard work are about to go to waste in two weeks worth of missed opportunity. Does the lion’s share of the work rest in the hands of Andre Ethier, Manny Ramirez, Clayton Kershaw, Matt Kemp, Rafael Furcal and Randy Wolf? Yes.
But as fans we can do our part as well. Here is what I propose: All Dodger fans, sports fans who responded with at least two yeses during the above quiz, and readers who would consider themselves to have a soul please consider taking one or more of the following measures to do your part in this very important quest:
1. Attend the game Friday night. This is a well-known way to incur karma for your team. The following things have happened at various Dodger games I have attended: Greg Maddux pitched 6 1/3 no hit innings at the age of 40; Andre Ethier hit two homers in a game, including a two run game winner; and of course, the Dodgers hit four consecutive home runs in the bottom of the ninth inning plus one in the bottom of the tenth to secure the most amazing come from behind victory in the history of mankind. I repeat, good things happen when you go to games in person.
—-> Look at this guy’s gut hanging over the railing. Why did he pick that moment to finally be active? 56,000 people now hate you.
2. Wear Dodgers paraphernalia. Wear a Dodgers t-shirt, hat, socks, earrings (do they make these?), whatever you have. Wear it from the morning through game time. If you have kids, get them involved.
—-> You must look this cute in your Dodgers gear in order for them to win.
—-> Unless the sight of your hot bod makes Manny hit home runs, please keep your Dodgers gear on the whole game.
3. Watch the game on tv or internet. For those of us too far or too poor to attend the game in person, let’s do our part by watching the game from beginning to end. If you don’t have an mlb.tv account and you are out of market, something could be worked out.
—-> You might have to think about purchasing a TV at Costco for a few hours while the Dodgers game is being shown there on 54 different big screens.
4. Participate in any wolf-related activities. Randy Wolf is pitching for the Dodgers Friday night, so if you’re not really a Dodgers fan and/or don’t own any Dodgers stuff please consider these fall back options: if you are a fifth grader and have a t-shirt that depicts a wolf, wear it. If you have a werewolf costume ready for Halloween, consider giving it a test run tomorrow between the hours of 7 and 10 pm PST. If you have a wolf mask, that will do. You could check in on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, or try growing his beard. If you have a German Shepherd you might mention to people you pass on the street while walking him that he is part wolf. Eat at Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant. Watch Teen Wolf. If you’re headed down a career path as a Nurse Anesthetist, consider applying to Wolford College. Wolf down your dinner just for good measure. Kids, this is the one time offer: you have carte blanche to cry wolf.
—-> Wolf Blitzer has done two things you have never done: Won an Emmy and whatever it is he is doing here.
If these ideas sound like the pleas of a desperate and disturbed man, it is because they are. But no one wants to see 150 games of good baseball go down the drain because of one lousy week and a half, right?
—-> Use this to throw at something in frustration when you realize that it is a waste of 5 bucks.
This is your opportunity to help out in a way that has absolutely no direct connection to the actual outcome of an event. But if you find yourself sitting in front of the tv watching the closing moments of a 4-0 complete game shutout at 9:30 pm or so on Friday night wearing a a werewolf costume with a Dodgers T-shirt stretched over it, take a sip of the Lone Wolf you fixed yourself and smile.
You are a part of something bigger than yourself.
—-> There may be more on the line then cheering on your team.
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I will be flying to LA to meet with ‘The Wolf’ from Pulp Fiction. Well, not really. . . but I am going to LA. Does that count for anything?
That counts for a lot. You’re pulling your weight.